I am totally guilty of being a prime example of our generation of immediate satisfaction.  We are all (mostly) spoiled rotten with access to (just about) a litany of information and an entire world (“www”) of potential connections.  So it may seem odd that I was totally floored today when one of my surgeons (Dr. Liu) sent me a message in regard to my concerns about my swelling.  Sweet, right?!  AMAZING!  I exchanged messages with Dr. Liu and have some clarity about my swelling.

I know now that my swelling probably isn’t due to fluid on my left side, which was what I was thinking.  Since Dr. Liu drained some fluid from my left side not long after I was discharged from the hospital, I thought that my left side might have more fluid hanging around there.  But it sounds like my swelling is tissue related and not due to fluid.  Dr. Liu let me know that the swelling will improve when new veins grow into my flap, and that process takes several weeks.  So, game on!  Not that I was giving up on or anything, but feedback and information is so helpful, comforting, and solid.  Nice guy, right?  Again, AMAZING!  And you thought doctors didn’t listen.  Pfffffffft.

Speaking of amazing, today was it for Seattle; such a sunny, gorgeous, fun day today.  We started our morning off with family breakfast at home (just like everyday), and then we headed over to our friends’ house for a play date and brunch.  Our friends, Heather and Jonathan, have an amazing house in Magnolia with an unbeatable view of Puget Sound.  They also have a specimen of a cutie pie son whom our girls had a good time playing with.  These are newer friends to us but we really, genuinely enjoy their company.

We coordinated this play date before I had my surgery.  We put it tentatively on the books because 1) we wanted to get together again and needed it scheduled, and 2) I had no idea what I would feel like at this point when we set the date.  I told our friends that I was having surgery, but I didn’t tell them what kind of surgery.  I am a fairly extroverted and open person, but I feel like discussing and taking people with me through this process isn’t for everyone.  It is very personal and some people are put off by the gory details of surgery and recovery.  Being that we’re all just getting to know each other, I didn’t want to unload this on them.  So when we were getting ready for our play date today, I found myself slightly anxious.  I tried on a couple of things and was thinking, “Does this outfit say post-op, nipple-less, reconstructed noobs?  Do I look like myself when I’m wearing this?  Do I look like I feel well and frisky and not patched together in this?”  I ended up wearing a jumper that kind of matched the girls’ outfits, which wasn’t at all embarrassing until I typed that just now.  In short, we had a great time together.  We didn’t talk about my surgery, because we (Mike and I) are helicopter-ish parents and our kids were being normal kids and we were trying hard not to freak out.  (This all has a point that I will get to when I’m done blabbering.)

When the girls awoke from their afternoon nap at home, we went back outside and took them to play with our neighbors’ two sons.  The husband, Allen, was in a skiing accident about a month before my surgery and his Achilles was ruptured.  So we’ve both been in some stage of recovery for at least 5 weeks, but him much longer than me.  Betsy (the wife) and I got a chance to briefly talk about my surgery and recovery.  She didn’t know which type of reconstruction I decided to do, and I told her about the DIEP flap and showed her my abdominal scar.  We discussed the sweet, sweet benefit of having my “marsupial pouch” surgically removed and turned into noobs.  She was also kind enough to tell me that my noobs looked “fantastic”.  Being that I was wearing a probably-too-tight-for-31-tshirt without a bra, I took this as the highest of compliments.  The conversation went on for a bit about the steps I have left to complete and the decisions to be made, but it was a nice chat between women.

When we came home, I knew that I wanted to really emphasize something in my post tonight.  Pre-surgery, I was so sad and anxious about what my reconstructed breasts were going to be like.  I went through a period of mourning for my natural breasts (and nipples) and was terrified that no one would ever say a nice thing about my boobs.  Actually, I was more worried that they would notice that these are not my natural breasts.  Not like I planned on walking around topless or anything, but I was seriously worried that everyday, in my clothes, people would be able to see and tell that I have reconstructed breasts.

And now that I am on the other side of it, I feel so excited about not having to worry about WHEN I will have breast cancer and the fact that my surgeons did such an amazing job with my mastectomy and reconstruction.  Other than a few extra pounds, some nipples and sensation, and an elevated risk for breast cancer – I don’t feel like I’ve lost much.  I certainly don’t feel any less feminine or sexy, which were big concerns of mine pre-surgery.  I feel I’ve gotten a lot of benefits out of this process.  Again, I no longer have a frighteningly high lifetime risk for breast cancer.  I no longer have the pocket of twin skin on my abdomen, and my previously full – then flat – and now full again – boobs look good.  Or, as Betsy said, “fantastic”.  Or, as I like to point out, smaller; firmer.  While I do have a large scar on my abdomen, I don’t mind it.  I have a sufficient amount of stretch marks to keep me in a one piece.  So, in closing tonight’s post, I just wanted to follow up on my first few, fear riddled posts and let women know that this is not as scary, freaky, alienating, un-sexy, or ugly as I thought it was going to be.  Day 3 in the hospital was a little bit of all of those things; but Day 39 is pretty damn good.

P.S.  I am still undecided about my nipple reconstruction.  I will touch on that tomorrow.

“I’ll take the Daily Double (dose), Alex.”

04/22/12 - T-shirt time!

04/22/12 - Frontal

04/22/12 - Flaps

04/22/12 - Abdomen

04/22/12 - Right side

04/22/12 - Left side