Apologies for late post; I thought my entry uploaded last night but received an email today and found out otherwise!  I’m having a hard time with my WordPress these past two weeks.  I will phone a friend for some tech savvy advice tonight!


Oooooh, today.  Today we didn’t get to embark on a wild Pacific Northwest adventure because of this Seattle springtime drizzle.   It’s not bad, because it was kind of warm today, but the girls have out grown their rain boots and waterproof pants.  So, we kept it indoors today.

I’m still pretty tight and sore from our adventures in swimming yesterday.  I did my physical therapy stretches this morning before I got out of bed (because I woke up with the area around my shoulder and clavicle feeling tight).  I did go for my usual walk, and it seemed to fly by because my head was full of all things related to crazy.  I am having a hard time deciding on what to do, with finality in mind, about my nipple reconstruction.  I feel like since I’m still in the process, I should go for it and see everything through to the end.  Meaning that I would get the nipple structure itself made and not just have the areolar tattoo.  But I feel so ambivalent about the nub.

It would serve no purpose other than aesthetics, but right now I really like wearing shirts and tank tops as of late and not feeling like I need to put something else on because I have no nipples.  I am more sold on the areolar tattoo because I feel, that in my own eyes, my noobs look weird with just the Barbie look.  When we were at the pool yesterday, it was really my first time back in a locker room with other women.  I found myself looking around (and probably looking inadvertently creepy) to see if anyone was looking at me.  I feel like if I have the areolar tattoos, it’s less likely that my reconstruction would be noticed.  Does that make sense?  On the converse, I worry that the nipple sites as-is would be too large if I just had the areolar tattoo.  That’s a lot of surface area to cover, and I would definitely be Silver Dollar Shera.  (The nipple reconstruction surgery decreases the surface area of the nipple site.)

I also have a habit of thinking about the absolute worst-case scenario always happening to me.  It plagued me during the entirety of the build up to my mastectomy and DIEP flap reconstruction.  So, of course, the only thing I can focus on with nipple reconstruction looming ahead is that I will do something to injure them and they will both end up necrotic and fail or flatten out.  The Internet is no friend when it comes to counteracting pessimism.  It seems with every query, my web results are filled with bad news.  But it’s like watching the evening news, I guess.  You don’t hear a lot about complete successes.  I’m going to keep thinking about this, but in the interim I’m going to order a set of those prosthetic nipples and see if they change my mind at all.  I read the blogs of a few other women that said those helped them with the decision.  Here’s hoping $50 solves it for me as well.

Finally, I’m thinking about maybe only posting photos every other day or less.  Nothing phenomenal is going on with my flaps or scars, and right now things are just focusing towards nipple reconstruction.  I’m not sure if I’ll do it that little though.  I’m such a visual person and was so desperate for other women’s recovery photos when I was waiting for my surgery.  Time will tell.  Until them, I am picking myself up by the boot straps and trying to enjoy this time of feeling good, healthy, and getting my strength back before my next procedure.  And wrestling with my two little girls as much as possible!

Giddy on up, ladies.


Daily dose:

04/25/12 - Frontal

04/25/12 - Flaps

04/25/12 - Abdomen

04/25/12 - Right

04/25/12 - Left