Prophylactic Mastectomy, DIEP Breast Reconstruction, and a Husband’s Perspective

I (obviously) failed at my attempt to be clever for this blog title, but it does a good job about conveying the subject matter of this post.

Since joining the DIEP support group on Facebook, I have received a few personal messages asking about things I kind of covered here previously that deserve a little more discussion.  I received a couple of direct messages inquiring what my husband thought about my process and, more specifically, my Noobs.  I’ve been asked this a couple of times and have, somewhat ignorantly, answered for Mike (my husband, who also has a blog).  I’ve said, “He was great about the whole thing.  He was supportive of my decision to do the BPM and go forward with the DIEP reconstruction.  He helped care for me during my recovery and was terrific the whole way through.”

But, after receiving another message asking the same last night and responding the same, I received this question in reply:

“But how does he think you look?”

In all honesty, my husband (fortunately) tells me very frequently that he thinks I look great.  And, to continue on the path of honesty, I sometimes feel like he says it to help buoy my spirits and keep my confidence up.  And not have me scratch his eyes out.  But I think the criticisms Mike might have about my body have nothing to do with my surgeries.  I think the real adjustment came when we had twins and the aftermath of me gaining (and then losing) 70 lbs.  I have assumed, over these past 18 months, that he sees my post-op, nude body the same way that I see it; in the dark and somewhat intoxicated.  JUST KIDDING.  I asked Mike to contribute a post to my little blog and give some spousal, but also community, perspective for those wondering the same.  Without any further adieu, I give you my husband…but only for the period of time it takes you to read his post:

My wife Shera asked me to explain how I see/view her body/breasts/scars after surgery.  Here are my unfiltered/unedited thoughts:

Addressing the BRCA issue by removing breast tissue was courageous and smart.  

Shera spent an enormous amount of time researching her reconstruction options.  She formulate a game plan that she was comfortable with and worked well for her.  She was fortunate to have supportive and very skilled doctors.

Having the potentially dangerous breast tissue removed was the first leg of the trip. Reconstruction completed the journey.  

Shera looks great. Probably better than she did before the surgery.  On some levels it seems like that’s all there is to say.  But that’s only about 10% of the story.

The scar on Shera’s stomach is massive.  It must be a foot-long. But that’s not a good measure of its significance.  What defines its significance–and what has helped me assess/understand my relationship with Shera–is that I don’t notice it.  

 

When I see her with her stomach exposed, I see a person. I don’t see the scar.  That’s not a figure of speech. I literally don’t see it.

 

It’s like I don’t have the visual vocabulary for it.  Without a word in that visual vocabulary there’s no place to store the image.  (Interestingly, I just saw a story about a variant of this concept in the NYT.  “There is no word for cancer in most Ugandan languages. A woman finds a lump in her breast, and cancer doesn’t cross her mind. It’s not in her vocabulary.”)

 

The takeaway for me from the whole reconstruction process and result is a better understanding about what my wife means to me and how I “see” her.  

 

Her breasts are full.  Her stomach is flat.  That may have been the goal.  But I think the best part–at least from my perspective–is the wonderful realization that our relationship has evolved significantly beyond cosmetics.  

 

At this point I’m confident that she’ll look as beautiful to me at 76 as she did at 26.  Maybe more so.  

 

“Happy wife, happy life.”    Shera is very involved in BRCA and breast reconstruction issues.  The experience has been a springboard to the future rather than an anchor to the past.  Based on my experience it’s important for husbands that their wives “complete the journey” so that they can look forward rather than back and live rich, full lives.  

Mike and me in 2007 (when our only babies were felines).

Dreamy, right?

*Also, since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I wanted to have a post from a survivor with a different perspective on reconstruction. My sister, Alyssa, is going to put together a small (but fantastic, I’m sure!) post about her process and why she chose not to have reconstruction.  Stay tuned for that, hopefully later this week.

And now, the song that I chose for mine and Mike’s walk down the aisle…

You’ve Got a Friend in Me, and so many others!

A few days ago I received a comment from Gina on one of my posts saying that she read about my blog on a Facebook group dedicated to the DIEP flap reconstruction process.  Upon reading this, I IMMEDIATELY looked for the page on Facebook and found it.  And WHAT A GREAT RESOURCE!  There are women in so many stages, some still doing research and others (like me) at the end of the journey.  If you are looking for additional resources, support, a sisterhood of reconstructed boobs – join us!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/diepsupport/

You have to request to join the group and then be given permissions by an administrator, but I was in and scouring posts within an hour.  This group is amazing and I’m so proud of us all taking care of and looking out for each other.

I’ve inserted a slideshow with all of my progress photos from pre-op through the present.  I thought this would be a quick, helpful visual tool for everyone to see what’s in store, without having to read through everything I’ve written here (because it’s tedious to read an entire blog just for a peek).

So, if you’ve been following along, there’s nothing new in this slideshow.  And if you’re squeamish (but reading this blog for some strange reason), don’t open the slideshow!

Angelina Jolie, BRCA, and Prevention

While lying in bed last night at about 11 p.m., I was thumbing through the NY Times trying to find something to read until I was sleepy.  Instead, I found something that had me wide awake and thankful. 

As the world probably already knows, the siren Angelina Jolie publicly announced her prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction.  She is BRCA1 positive.  I commend her for putting herself out there as the well known, stunning face of this proactive decision.  While I blogged about my process and progress, I don’t have a fraction of the draw or attention that comes with being the smoking hot Angelina Jolie.  So, in case there are any of you women out there hemming and hawing about whether or not you’ll still feel and be viewed as sexy after this series of procedures – you will be. 

Don’t you want to be as smart, sexy, revered, HEALTHY, ALIVE and PRESENT FOR YOUR LOVED ONES as she is? 

Surgery-versary!

1 year

It’s been one year since my initial surgery date.  On March 15, 2012 I had a prophylactic bilateral skin-sparing mastectomy immediately followed by DIEP Flap breast reconstruction.  We’ve come a long way baby.

Occasionally I will go back to the first postings of my blog.  It brings me right back to how afraid I was of the unknown.  I didn’t know how I would handle such a major surgery, never having been through surgery, or how my children would react to seeing me in pain through my recovery.  I was worried that my tissue transfer would fail and that my reconstructed breasts (or later, my reconstructed nipples) would become necrotic.  I was worried that my range of motion would forever be impacted, and I didn’t know what my body would be like after surgery.  I was worried about the aesthetics.  Would reconstructed breasts look freakish?  Would I still feel feminine, would they feel at all like breasts?  And, my biggest fear, was that this would all be for naught and that my breast tissue would come back as cancerous from the lab after my mastectomy.

What I wish now, as I’m sure many people do, is that I could go back to myself a year ago and simply say, “Calm down; shut up; sleep.”  But I know it’s so much easier to say that now.  I’m a year out, healthy, cancer free, and with a great surgical result.  I had 1 small hematoma post-op, barely a blip on the complication register.  I received clean pathology results within 48 hours of my mastectomy.  My children were well looked after, taken care of (and wildly entertained) while I recovered.  My body recovered well, and I am back doing the same things (and some things even beyond) I was doing before my surgeries.

I am breast cancer free, and I am thankful.

Thank you to my family and friends for your love, support, time, home cooked meals, get well cards, visits, and a little bit more love.

Thank you to my sister, Alyssa, for showing me what strong really looks like, and how easy it is to be a beautiful, feminine woman after cancer and a mastectomy.

Thank you to Dr. Sarah Javid and Dr. Otway Louie, my wonderful surgeons, who did such skilled, careful work on this body of mine.

Thank you to Dr. Daniel Z. Liu for reading my crazy ass, terrified blog posts about my post-op worries and answering me so quickly, during crazy people hours, on Twitter – of all places!

Thank you to every nurse that looked after me in recovery and took such good care of me.

Thank you to Eunice for answering my 8 million “Is this necrotic tissue?!?” texts!

Thank you to every physician and medical researcher that endures so many hours of un-fun, book heavy, sleepless nights learning about medicine, prevention, and treatment for all of us – and giving me the chance to take preventive action.

Thank you for another day.

 

UPDATE PHOTOS BELOW

 

Update photo taken 03/02/2013

R side after 2nd areolar tattoo

L Side after second areolar tattoo

Stitch & Bitch Free (day 142 overall!; day 43 post newpples)

Good morning sunshine!

I’m up and blogging because trying to get this done at night never works as of late!  I am now 43 days past my nipple reconstruction and 142 days since my Stage 1 bilateral prophylactic mastectomy and DIEP flap breast reconstruction!  It’s hard to believe that 5 months ago I was a nervous and emotional wreck worried about the outcome of all of this.  And here I sit, just peachy keen (well, a  little sleepy with messy hair, but otherwise peachy).

So I have had to doctor’s appointments since my last blog post.  The first was with my breast oncologist, Dr. Larissa Korde of Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.  I met with her for ONE LAST TIME! just as a follow up and baseline assessment post bilateral prophylactic mastectomy and DIEP flap breast reconstruction.  Just as I was with my last visit with Dr. Sarah Javid, I felt very fortunate to have Dr. Korde taking care of me and screening me while I waited for a decision about what to do with my BRCA1 mutation and those damned boobs.  I saw Dr. Korde every six months for screening, either in the form of a mammogram or a breast MRI.  Now that I no longer have my natural breasts, I do not need a breast oncologist or breast cancer screenings!  What a relief!  As I’ve written before, there was such a  lingering feeling of doom every time I went in for my screenings. I just knew that that appointment would be the one at which I found out that I had dilly-dallied too long and this genetic mutation had manifested in breast cancer.  I would go through so many emotions waiting for my screening appointment and be upset with myself for not having our lives together and situated well enough to have the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy and DIEP flap reconstruction.  I knew that this process was going to ask so much of my husband, our family, loving friends, and our two little girls.  With the benefit of hindsight, I know that I didn’t misjudge the level of upheaveal my surgery would cause in our lives.  We needed a lot of help with the girls, and I can’t thank our family and friends enough for helping us.  Everyone was so supportive and wonderful; I was (and still am) stunned at how genuinely concerned, caring, and helpful everyone has been.  And, here I am, on the outcome end of all of this and feeling great about my choices and my surgeries.

Dr. Korde discharged me from her care and referred me to the wellness clinic at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, where I will continue to go for my CA125 marker blood draws and pelvic ultrasounds to monitor the health of my ovaries since they, too, are at risk for developing cancer.  At our last appointment together, Dr. Korde performed a brief “breast” exam.  In true compliment to Dr. Otway Louie and his team, she asked me if I had the skin sparing AND nipple sparing mastectomy.  So, kudos to Dr. Louie for giving me such realistic, reconstructed nipples that they fooled a fellow physician!  Dr. Korde asked me if I had any concerns at that time, and my only concern was this arc shaped band of thick scar tissue that’s formed underneath my left noob.  It didn’t form (or at least noticeably form) until after my stage 2 revision surgery.  It’s about the thickness of a finger and runs from the side of my noob adjacent to my armpit all the way under the flap.  I noticed it when toweling off one day and that my pectoral muscle was uncomfortable in that same area whenever I raised my arm overhead.  Dr. Korde felt it and said that it did feel “different” to her.  She said that I’d probably be able to break it up with deep tissue massage or another modality, but to first ask Dr. Louie about it.  She said that I could have additional imaging done at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance if Dr. Louie was concerned about the scar tissue.  So, that got me all riled up because I was worried that I would have to undergo yet another procedure to address this weird band of scar tissue.

I then saw Dr. Louie on Monday, July 30, for our follow up.  I told him about my scar tissue, he performed a quick physical exam, and told me that I could simply start massaging it to break it up.  Relief!  Simplicity is so amazing at times like these.  At the time of my follow up with Dr. Louie, all but about 6 of my stitches had fallen out.  His resident removed the last danglers and, alas, stitch and bitch free!!!  If I do say so myself, these reconstructed nipples are pretty convincing.  During my healing, I was really worried that I wouldn’t guard them enough and would end up with flattened out newpples.  I spent a number of weeks looking like I was wearing Madonna’s long lost cone bra from the early 90’s because I was so padded up with protection around my newpples.  But it was totally worth the numerous confused and questioning looks receieved whenever I went out in a fitting t-shirt.  I have a little bit of projection and don’t look like I’m REALLY EXCITED to see everyone.  The circular shaped scar I have from my nipple reconstruction is different enough from the surrounding skin on my noob to look like arealos that are simply the same color as my noob.  My areolar tattoo appointment is on October 1, so I have a couple of months with no noob/newpple action to enjoy with our family.

I wanted to add in this post another testament to the great work of my reconstructive surgeon.  As with every blog post, I included photos of my recovery process on my last blog update.  I have done this throughout my process.  I have always included photos of my noobs, but it wasn’t until my last post with photos of my healing newpples, that I was flagged on Facebook.  My blog feeds to my Twitter, which feeds to my Facebook.  I found it interesting that up until that point, my noobs were of no concern to whomever flagged my last post on Facebook (which was later removed from my feed).  But, my convincing, reconstructed newpples are the official point of controversy.  I was very much testing the waters to see when, if ever, someone would think that the noobs were looking too much like the real thing.  So, in the words of Billy Blanks, Tae Bo – now you know!

Again, I can’t say that you enough to all of my physicians.  Dr. Javid did an amazing job on my mastectomy; my recovery and healing went really well due, in large part, to effective yet gentle touch.  Dr. Louie’s DIEP flap reconstruction is nothing short of phenomenal; the proof is in the pictures (no pudding, please!).  And, I have to say, I miss seeing Dr. Daniel Liu, who was Dr. Louie’s plastic surgery resident.  Everytime I had an appointment with Drs. Louie and Liu, it was so great to see him.  He is a great guy and surgeon.  He took mercy on my near pulsating anxiety and started to follow my blog when we were gearing up for surgery or shortly thereafter.  All of my rambling questions, my middle of the night concerns (both founded and, sometimes, just wild), and nervous energy just sent out to the ether…Dr. Liu was kind enough to send a note here and there to address them.  I have heard that many people are paying a pretty penny to have a Concierge Physician service.  I am not one of those people, but Dr. Liu was there for me free of charge.  It was, and is, such an amazing thing to have a physician so involved.  I feel, a lot of times, that when I’m out of a doctor’s office, that’s it for my concerns until the next appointment.  I don’t know if I was a particularly anxious patient or Dr. Liu is just a super nice guy, but either way I’m entirely grateful for his extensive care and attentiveness during my surgeries and recovery.  I believe he and his family are now in Chicago enjoying more of a summer than we’re having this year.  I hope his patients realize what a gem they’ve received from our Emerald City, and I hope he’s absolutely loving his new job.  But, I just wanted to send a huge thank you out there, in case he still reads this, for all of his help.

So, now for the photographic evidence of all of these doctors’ great work!  My abdomen incision is also looking really great.  Because I have several scars that have kiloided over my lifetime, I asked Dr. Louie what to do about my scarring.  He gave me a reference sheet for a product I can look into that may help me prevent this on my abdominal scar.  Once I’ve bought and tried this, I’ll post progress pictures if there’s a noticeable difference.  Right now I’m just trying to keep a good SPF on my scar and am wearing a new, one piece swimsuit that is UPF 50 to try and prevent my scar from getting any darker.

Next procedure up:  Areolar tattooing – October 1, 2012.

07/31/12 – Incision

07/31/12 – Incision, L side

07/31/12 – Incision, R side

07/31/12 – Noobs!

07/31/12 – L Noob + Newpple, upclose & personal!

07/31/12 – R Noob + Newpple, upclose.  Controversial!

Prince, Controversy

Hello Stranger (Day 114 (noobs) or 15 (newpples))

Hello stranger(s).  It seems so good to see you back again; how long has it been?

We have been busy!  I know I need to get back here more frequently than two week increments and be a responsible, timely blogger.  It’s just hard to make that happen these days.  Even with Pluto out of the picture and  Venus being supremely close to Earth last month, the planets just can’t align well or long enough for me to get my act together and regularly post updates.  This is odd, because I have been reading more blogs belonging to women who are either preparing for or in the midst of my same surgery path.  So, while I haven’t been a vigilant blogger, I’ve been a vigilant reader.  It seems like I can remember so well what each of those stages felt like, but then I look at this body and my progress and healing remind that it wasn’t all just yesterday.  I guess for even more accurate time keeping, I could just look at my blog posts (or lack thereof).

Truth be told, it’s nice to be able to be busy and back in the throes of regular, every day life.  I had my stitches and surgi tape removed from my newpples on Monday (July 2) with little excitement (but for a small fire alarm in the clinic).  When I got home for the big reveal and looked at myself in the mirror, I was pretty shocked.  It turns out that steri strips cover up a lot of scary looking shit.  My newpples were much more interesting to me when they still looked like ninja stars.  Revealed for what they actually were, healing surgical wounds, I was a little deflated.  Not that I was hoping to have ninja stars instead of reconstructed nipples, but they just looked a lot more presentable than my healing, slightly startling newpples.

The good news is that they don’t hurt and they’re healing quite well.  I was surprised that I was sore the day of and day after I had my stitches removed because of the absence of pain related to the reconstruction.  My abdominal scar revision was uncomfortable, particularly with the hassle of wearing pants, but my newpples didn’t and don’t hurt.  I had some discomfort along the right side of my chest, I think around the liposuction sight, and underneath each flap.  I’m not sure why the area below my flaps were sore, but it was uncomfortable wearing a bra or even a tank top with a built in shelf bra.  The discomfort passed after the first two days but certain movements bring about a twinge of “meh”. But, so far so good!  I’m feeling a little less like they’re going to turn necrotic and fall off if I bump into a wall, sneeze, take my gauze off too quickly, or all three oddly at the same time.  Dr. Louie was kind enough to assure me that this far out, they’re much less fragile. And with that, I’ll leave you with two photo updates.

The first set was taken 3 days prior to having my stitches removed.  The second set is what I looked like the day I had the stitches and steri strips removed.

 

 

06/29/12 – Abdominal scar

06/29/12 – Abdominal scar, L side

06/29/12 – Abdominal scar, R side

06/29/12 – Safety stacked!

06/29/12 – Newpples

06/29/12 – Left newpple

06/29/12 – Right newpple

07/02/12 – Abdominal scar

07/02/12 – Abdominal scar, R side

07/02/12 – Abdominal scar, L side

Scar revision a la Sally Skellington

07/02/12 – Stitch & surgi-strip free

07/02/12 – L newpple revealed

07/02/12 – R newpple revealed

 

 

Beautiful (Stage 2/Day 3) (But day 102 overrall)

Just to get us all on the same page, this weekend was Seattle’s Gay Pride festival.  I usually get to sneak out for a night on the town with two of my best friends, Drew and Monell, but I was busy recovering and trying not to F up my stage 2 surgery for most of the weekend.  Well, today I snuck out to see my BFFs and a large number of our city’s great gays.  It always warms my heart to see the parents, friends, adoptive families, city, et cetera, out on the city streets supporting our LBGT community.  Even the Seattle Police Department was there showing support for the LGBT community, which is just phenomenal.  And here I am spending some quality time with Drew, with just a touch of sunshine behind us.

Me & Bensen

 

I felt well enough today to face the possible hoarde of people on Capitol Hill. But, luckily, with Bensen and I getting there in the early afternoon,  it was pretty easily to sneak onto a piece of prime real estate, people watch, and just take it easy.  I was out of harm’s way, with a great friend I wanted to lend support and love to, and able to get home on time for dinner.

Today I’m a little more sore than I thought I would be.  I’m definitely having some soreness, but am able to keep my pain under control with just Tylenol.  I am prety swollen and a little bruised on my left side where I had the liposculpting of my noob done.  I am actually wearing an old nursing bra today because my bust is so swollen that the velcro close on my surgical bra will not stay closed.  I took the dressing off of my abdominal incision area when I showered, but I put plastic covers over my noobs because I want to wait until tomorrow morning to take those bandages off and re-apply new dressings.  I was also aching to take off my abdominal gauze because, I think, I’m allergic to the adhesive.  I had little red bumps all over my waistline and they itched like crazy.  Since removing the large gauze patches taped on to my abdomen, my little red bumps have almost completely gone away.

It’s still uncomfortable to wear pants, and the girls have whacked me in the sore spot on my left noob a few dozen times this weekend.  But, as I said before, I’m managing just fine on Tylenol.

I’ll take pictures of the newpples tomorrow when I change my bandages.

06/24/12 – Still bandages on the newppled noobs

 

06/24/12 – Steri strips on L side of abdominal scar revision

06/24/12 – Steri strips on R side of abdominal scar revision

 

06/24/12 – Steri strips on L/Front side of abdominal scar revision

 

 

Tune in Tokyo (Stage 2 / Day 1) (100th Day)

27  years later and this is still funny to me!

Yesterday I had my Stage 2 surgery in which my newpples were constructed, my left noob was liposuctioned down to equal the size of the right, and my abdominal scar was revised.  Being that I have to keep my bandages on until tonight, there wasn’t a whole lot of interesting to see when they discharged me.  But below I will paste pictures of my bandaged up body.

I woke up from anesthesia yesterday and had a headache and a sore throat from being intubated.  When I had my stage 1 surgery, my throat didn’t hurt at all after.  Or maybe it did but that pain so inconsequential compared to the pain from the surgeries that I didn’t even notice it.  Either way, I still have the sore throat today and some muscle soreness around my jaw.

My pain from this surgery is fractional, at most, of what it was for Stage 1.  My scar revision is uncomfortable.  I tried to put on sweat pants today, but the waist band of every pair of pants I have sits right on the incision.  So today I am wearing a loose fitting, comfy dress around.  My left noob, where I had the lip revision done, is sore.  It’s like I’ve taken a dozen or so body shots with only the 4 ounce gloves on.  I’d equate it to minor car accident sore.  Dr. Liu prescribed me some Oxycodone, but I didn’t need to take any of it yesterday.  I was still feeling pretty medicated when I got home, so I just took some Tylenol.  But my abilities post-op are pretty much the same was they were before.  I came home, helped my MIL make the girls’ lunches, did some laundry, tidied up around the house, and then I took a 2 hour nap when the girls took theirs. We all then got up together, I made dinner, gave them their baths, and life as we know it is up and running.

Last night I slept on my wedge pillow again to try and help the fluid drain out of my noobs (they put fluid in and then do the lipo).  I also found that it is uncomfortable to roll over on my left side.  Sleeping on the wedge kind of keeps me from rolling on my side because I feel like I’m falling off the bed when I reach the edge of the wedge.

I have some discomfort trying to pick up the girls, in both my upper and lower body.  My upper body is doubly sore because of the KILLER upper body workout I had with my trainer on Thursday morning.  We did so many sets of curls, tricep work, presses, etc. that I can’t tell if my muscles that engage my arms for movement are sore more from surgery or the workout.  The girls always want to wrap their legs around my waist when I carry them, with their legs sitting right on where my scar revision was done.  So, I have had them ride on my back on trips up or down the stairs today instead of carrying them like I normally would.  I have two weeks of healing, which should fly by since I’m still going to be doing what we normall do as a family.  My MIL left for home this morning since I’m not incapacitated like I was before.  It was great to have her here to help, but I’m sure that it must seem odd to her that we asked for help when I’m up and running.  But, that’s what the unknown is all about for me today; being prepared for the worst and getting something much better instead!

It was nice to see Drs. Louie and Liu again yesterday.  It’s funny having two people play such a big role in my life in really condensed times together.  Dr. Liu told me that he’s leaving Seattle soon after taking a job in Chicago.  I’m sure his family is probably looking forward to actually having a summer there, and his new position is probably phenomenally exciting, but it’s been very nice to have him as one of my surgeons.  I’ve really been spoiled as a patient with so much access to a treating physician’s mind during times of worry, healing, and build-up for another procedure.  It’s taken so much worry and fear out of this process for me knowing that I had him as a resource.  I’m sure his patients at his new practice will be just as taken with him.

I wanted to say thank you to my friends, family, AND physicians for taking such great care of me!  Tomorrow I will post pics of my super newpples when I get my bandages off.  Let’s all hope for something smaller than sausage nipples, but I know that they have a lot of shrinking to do before they’re settled.

Now’s your chance to run . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stage 2/Day 1! Frontal

 

Stage 2/Day 1! R side

Stage 2/Day 1! L side

 

Stage 2/Day 1! Leaky Lipo noob

 

And the music video I included for this post is NSFW and probably offensive if you’re offended by swearing, strippers, or the like. Being that I was born and raised in Las Vegas, there isn’t a lot that I find offensive.  But it’s one song about boobies.  So, as my sister Alyssa would say, “WATCH OUT!”.

 

 

 

Sleepless in Seattle

It’s the night/morning of my stage 2 surgery.  It’s 1:08 a.m. on Friday, June 22, and I cannot fall asleep.  Sleep has never been something that’s come easily to me.  The only times I easily fell asleep were early in my pregnancy, when the twins finally started sleeping through the night (after 7 months of not sleeping at all it seemed), and during my recovery from my stage 1 surgery.  I envy people who sleep well and easily.

I figure I’ll sleep tomorrow when I’m under.  I’m just getting a last few things done before tomorrow in anticipation of feeling like not doing a whole lot other than kiss my kids and husband after I’m discharged.

Cheers to hoping this part is as easy as I hoped it would be.

And here’s a great song, A Kiss to Build a Dream On, by Louis Armstrong.

Heroes & Villains (DAY 89!!)

Oh man, I can’t believe that I’m at day 89.  In so many ways it feels like that is such a big number to be post-op from stage 1.  In other ways, it feels like my Stage 1 surgery wasn’t so long ago.  But, here I am, nearly 2 weeks from my last blog post, and so much has happened in life.

We took our girls for their first airplane adventure and had a very mini, my-side-of-the-family reunion in Las Vegas.  I was born and raised in Las Vegas.  My mom, two out of three sisters, and our brother still live there.  My Grandma, who spent a lot of time dealing with us in our prime-pain-in-the-ass-kids time moved away about 13 years ago and I hadn’t seen her since.  Well, Grandma managed to hitch a ride back to Vegas with her brother for a few weeks, and it was our shot to get all of the great grand kids together in one place for a weekend to see our Grandma.  It was fantastic, bittersweet, and much too brief.

4 Generations

We came home on a high note, and it just sank in how precious little time we have with our loved ones.  After every visit with our extended families, I think about how much more comforting the days must be for people who are surrounded by their parents and siblings.  It is difficult to explain, and even sometimes understand, why the love and comfort of family is so different from that of friends.  I don’t know how to explain it to anyone else, I just know that it feels SO good and, when we’re all together, I feel whole.

Anyway, we came back home and it seems like the pace of life increased exponentially and the projects just keep cascading one on top of another.  Our girls just started going to preschool 1 day a week.  It’s a huge change for all of us.  But mostly me.  I am trying to overcome my helicopter mom extraordinaire nature, and I’m also trying to work P/T from home.  So, while I would love to keep these little lovelies all to myself, I realize (and appreciate) the lunacy in such a scenario.  It’s also helpful to have a full 6 hours to focus just on work.  Whether that be work to be done for an employer or work around the house, it must be done.  And 6 hours is really no time at all when it comes down to it.  Just as quickly as those 6 hours have gone by the past two weeks, the time before my next surgery is quickly falling through the hour glass.

Stage 2&3 surgery is on June 22.  I’ll be rocking some baby carrot sized, newly minted nipples for a few months until they settle and shrink down.  After that, I will have to wait until my “newpples” are healed and settled, then we move on to areolar tattooing.  These last few stages pale in comparison as far as pre-surgery anxiety to my Stage 1.  Occassionally I go back through this blog to see how I’ve progressed and just reflect on this experience.  I was so incredibly afraid of the unknown.  Nothing that I read back then and nothing that anyone told me eased my fears.  I also think it is so interesting how I was so worried about “losing” my natural breasts and having the noobs.  While the loss of sensation is a bummer, I don’t have any of the feelings of loss I thought I would.  I was worried about my husband not looking at me or my body the same; I was worried about how this body would feel to me with the lack of sensation in my breasts; and, I was worried about the aesthetic result of my reconstruction.  With all of these things constantly fluttering around in my mind, I was my own worst enemy most nights.  As it turns out, all of these worries were, mostly, for naught.  I do get a little sad that when I hug someone, it feels like there is a balloon or a large pillow between us.  Like there’s an embrace but with a little bit of a gap between me and my hugger. And these noobs look great.  They’re still a work in progress, but they’re great.  So this time around I’m not worried about any losses, the aesthetic, anesthesia, or the care of my family.  I’m going in feeling strong and looking forward to be moving towards finality of this process.

Speaking of feeling strong, I just wanted to let other women simularly situated know that I am back at the gym with my trainer just a smidge away from full force.  In the past few weeks I’ve done box jumps, ran stairs, lifted heavy weights, and today I finally got to do a little bit of boxing.  My trainer and I are both mindful of how I’m feeling and whether getting back to these things is causing me discomfort or causing me pain.  And while getting back into shape is typically a pain in the (flabby) ass, I’m not having any pain directly related to or involved with my surgical sites.  I am going to keep at it for the next two weeks before I have to, again, reduce and modify my activities – but for the moment, it’s on.

AHOY!

06/07/12 – Frontal

06/07/12 – Flaps

06/07/12 – Abdominal scar

06/07/12 – Left side

06/07/12 – Right side